Zalph.

excerpted from the personal files of the monkey:

Without question, Zalph is the greatest enigma I have encountered in my 27 years of existence on this earth. He is a very quiet and reserved personality and although much is known about Zalph, very little is understood. A former medical technician in training, Zalph has answered the calling of many professions. A skilled bricklayer, a trained airplane mechanic and his recent position as an apartment complex maintenance man offer little insight into the workings of Zalph's mind.

I first met Zalph at a party in high school. He was called Hank then and he didn't talk to anyone. He just walked around the party singing Black Flag songs to himself. As we got to know him we discovered that he could run incredibly fast and that he could wrestle for hours without stopping. His father is an intimidating military officer which may explain Zalph's tendency to lie about anything. Zalph drinks constantly. His beverage of choice is Black Label beer. Many consider this particular brew a step above bug repellent. He also consumes an inordinate amount of coffee and smokes so much that a cloud accompanies him at all times. Zalph keeps a small bird in his room and visitors can expect to be attacked when first entering the room. The walls of his room are covered with magazine pictures of various models and country western singers. There is also a large poster (see below) of a F-15 jet with the words; "Anytime Baby." written in ink on it. Zalph also keeps a chalkboard in his room that is usually covered with various mathematical formulas.

He has tried killing Mike D. on two occasions. Once by spraying gasoline into the passenger side window where Mike D. was sitting, smoking a cigarette. Another time he pulled out a large ginsu knife and made a small cut on Mike D's throat. Mike D. and Zalph live together now but the nature of their exact relationship is still ambiguous. Zalph was also responsible for the evacuation of two city blocks when he drove away from a gas station with the gas nozzle still attached to his car. I confronted Zalph about this when he returned to Ground Zero later that night. He tried to deny it but I informed him that the gas station called the house after he left because he had used his gas card when paying for the gas. He also denies smoking a cigarette when he was fixing the engine of Straight up D's van; the moose. Jeff had been the owner of the moose all throughout high school and its sentimental value was deep amongst all in the house. When he sold it to Straight up D. the moose was considered a piece of history. Zalph counts auto repair as one of his skills and was fixing the engine for Straight up D. while he was at work. He set the engine on fire and then he walked over to the house and got out the garden house in an attempt to extinguish the rapidly growing flames. Jeff walked out of the house in time to see the van explode in Red Zero's parking lot. The fire department arrived shortly after to extinguish what was left of the van but the real danger was when Straight up D. came home from work to see the burnt out shell of the beloved moose. On another occasion Zalph was driving Kevin, TonyLove and I home from somewhere. As we approached Red Zero Zalph increased his speed to over 80 mph. Suddenly Zalph made a 190 degree turn into the alley next to Red Zero. I was so terrified that I didn't even scream.

Zalph's cool head in that situation and all others are a trademark of his character. Zalph and I needed telephones when we first moved into Ground Zero so we drove to a downtown hotel with bowling ball bags and obtained telephones from the lobby. We then decided that it would be prudent to make a hasty departure through the back door of the hotel only to find it locked. In a panic, I began shaking the door only to see a security guard appear on the other side of the door, waving us back into the hotel. With bowling ball bags in hand Zalph and I walked back to the lobby. I could feel the heat all around us but Zalph never flinched as we walked out of the lobby and drove away with our telephone deficit solved.

Zalph has a mysterious power over women. He is never wanting for female companionship. From skinhead chicks to drug addicted fashion models, the range and scope of those he dates boggles any rational explanation. He has pursued marriage on a couple of occasions but has never made it to the altar. He dated a girl with a bright green mohawk and she claimed that he impregnated her during their brief relationship. He asked for her hand in marriage only to find out that she was leaving him for her ex-boyfriend. He now pays child support for a child that looks suspiciously like mohawk girls current boyfriend.

The biggest single question I have about Zalph is what does he do when he is not at Red Zero? I know he works somewhere but I'm not sure where or when. If you ask him a direct question his answers will require some scrutiny. I know he plays in a new punk rock band since the demise of the Hamptones and I know he sees a woman who works at Kinko's; Moe. He also surfs so he drives to the beach when the waves are up and sleeps in his truck. Other than that no one knows where Zalph goes or what he does. It has been said by those who live with him that it would be well worth the effort to attach a tracking device to Zalph in order to satisfy these questions but I'm sure that the answers would only lead to more questions.

 

the monkey, last updated 1-1-97

 

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